I don’t know if this post will even encompass a full idea or if it will just be random ramblings or what it will come of, but I feel just writing so we will see what is going on in my head I guess. There is so much that I am worried about right now and a lot of it is things that none of my friends know about it, so I am to scared to talk about it as it would change how many of my friends looked at me. One of the main things that I am thinking about though has to do with Felicia and the boys, and whether or not we are really meant to be together or if we are just trying to make something work out of nothing. We both completely love each other, that is nothing that is trying to be argued or discussed. But one thing that we have to consider is how many things in life that we are completely different on that we argue about on a daily basis. I was writing to someone the other day and I was bringing up something that my aunt told me a long time ago. She told me about when she divorced my uncle, that before she started looking at other guys, that she sat down and wrote a list of 100 things that she would want in a guy. She told me it was a list of anything and everything from the biggest things like religion, to the smallest things like how many covers on the bed. When she originally told me that, I started laughing at some of the small things that she told me about because in my mind I couldn’t comprehend how much the small things can dictate what goes on in your daily lives, but now that I have lived with and in a relationship with someone, it is easy to see how much the small things do matter.  But there are things in my life that I am so confused on that can play into that to where it is a vicious cycle right now. One of the major things that I have debating in my head is religion. I know that a lot of people have issues with me trying to make up my mind on this, but it is a hard thing to really sit down and contemplate when have seen, experienced, and lived the things that I have lived. There is a major side of me that wants to believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, but there is the side of me that I guess is the psychological side of me, plus my experience in Wicca, and the fact that I guess I have a hard time letting my life go to someone that I can’t see trusting him to let my life go to where he has already permanently set it to go. If that makes sense at all, because I just don’t know what to believe, and it is hard to work towards something when I don’t know where I want to go. Everyone says that I need to go to church and read the bible, I have tried both of those. The people at church seem like they are just part of an act sometimes, although some really do seem like they are happy and filled with happiness, and the bible just seems like a good story. You hear all these testimonials and stories about how they were just in awe over something that was shown to them or that referenced to their life, and it is something that I just haven’t seen. I am not someone that is asking for a big huge show or miracle to make me believe as most non-believers do, but something small that shows me that he is paying attention to what is going on in my life and is actually there with a helping hand.  I want to honestly believe in God and Jesus so bad, but I don’t want to keep going to where I am not really into it and I am just pretending for everyone around me. I don’t like that, and I don’t know how to go about doing that, I am just sitting here speechless about it and in awe over the fact that I feel so stupid that I can’t even decide that.

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning  service at the church, the Pastor and his eleven year old son would go out into their  town and hand out Gospel Tracts.  This
particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time  for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets  with their tracts, it was very cold outside, as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up
in his warmest and driest clothes and said, "OK,  dad, I'm ready."
   His Pastor dad asked, "Ready for what?"
   "Dad, it's time we gather our tracts together and go out."
   Dad responds, "Son, it's very cold outside and  it's pouring down rain."

The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking, "But Dad, aren't people still going to Hell, even  though it's raining?'
   Dad answers, "Son, I am not going out in this weather."
   Despondently, the boy asks, "Dad, can I go? Please?" 
   His father hesitated for a moment then said,  "Son, you can go. Here are the tracts, be  careful son."
   "Thanks Dad!"
   And with that, he was off and out into the rain.  This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract.
   After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and down to his VERY LAST TRACT. He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted. Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the door bell. He rang the bell, but nobody answered.
   He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. He waited but still no answer. Finally, this eleven year old trooper turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch! He rang again and this time the door slowly opened.    Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked, "What can I do for you, son?" With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that *JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU* and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about JESUS and His great LOVE."  With that, he handed her his last tract and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed. 'Thank you, son... And God Bless You!" 

Well, the following Sunday morning in church Pastor Dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, 'Does anybody have testimony or want to say anything?'  Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet.  As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face, "No one in this church knows me. I've never been here before.  You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof, then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck.  Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, I'll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away." I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent, and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, 'Who on earth could this be? Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me.' I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder.  When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life. His SMILE, oh, I could never describe it to you! The words that came
from his mouth caused my heart that had long been dead, TO LEAP TO LIFE as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, "Ma'am, I just came to tell you that JESUS REALLY
DOES LOVE YOU."  Then he gave me this Gospel Tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn't be needing them any more. You see---I am now a Happy Child of the KING. Since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel Tract, I have come here to personally say THANK YOU to God's little angel who came just in the nick of time and by so doing, spared my soul from an eternity in hell.'  There was not a dry eye in the church. And as shouts of praise and honor to THE KING resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Probably no church has had a more glorious moment, and probably this universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love & honor for his son.... Except for One.

Our Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable, and as all of heaven shouted praises and honor to The King, the Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power and every name that is named. Blessed are your eyes for reading this message. Don't let this message die, read it again and pass it to others. Heaven is for His people! Remember, God's message CAN make the difference in the life of someone close to you.

Matthew 10:32 says:  "Whoever acknowledges Me before men,
I will acknowledge him before My Father in heaven.  But
whoever disowns Me before men, I will disown him before
My Father in heaven."

As every Southerner knows, when Springtime arrives, it's time to get ready  for that all-important cooking technique of the South --- "Outdoor Grilling!"

I have just recently found out there are many stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill ! Let me tell you, in these tough times, free useful items are very welcome.

You can get a FREE BBQ Grill from any of the following stores:
A&P
Albertsons
Costco
Dan's
Food Lion
Fry's
Home Depot

Piggly Wiggly
Brookshire's
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Sam's Club
Tesco
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie

I especially like the higher rack -- which can be used

for keeping things warm!
Just make sure to get a metal one... The plastic ones don't do as well.

Ya'll enjoy now !

Hey Everyone,

How are you doing today? I have been doing alright, and just trying to live life to the fullest each day as the best as I can do. I am writing this from a new program that I downloaded to see if it works, so hopefully it will all go well and I won’t have to re-write this, because I probably would forget some of it, and add into other spots that don’t need added. That was the problem when I would write in high school, is the first was always good content wise; but when I would edit it for grammar, I would always add more to the story that wasn’t really needed in the first place. Look, I am rambling now, because that isn’t anything to do with what is going on now.

Everything is going good with work right now. I have had my up and down days which one of them I will sit here and complain about because that is what this is for somewhat, to get things off your chest. For those of you that don’t know, I work at Pendleton Correctional Facility as a custody officer; which is a good job just has its own ups and downs. Well, I have been there for about 4 months; maybe  a little bit over, and I have recently got my permanent position that I have been waiting for. I am now the Kitchen Officer at the correctional facility. I know, and everyone there thinks the same thing, why in the hell would I want to work in the kitchen? Well, it isn’t for any reason that most people would think of. The officer before me liked it somewhat because he could eat as much food as he wanted, but I am total opposite. I like it because it caters to my ADHD perfectly well. I am one of those individuals that likes busy work or work that keeps you going and makes the day go by fast. That job you always have something to do and is almost never get to sit down. I like it that way except when I get a little bit hungry and I end up not being able to eat, which isn’t every healthy.  So, now that I have raved about my position/post a little bit, let me tell you about my last day that I worked, Sunday! It started out as a good day, and everything was going smoothly as I have been getting the post set up to where I know what is going on and it is preplanned through the day pretty much. As I was checking in the utensils for the Lunch Feed, I noticed that I didn’t have a utensil that was checked out at lunch. I had searched all my paperwork, and I didn’t have it checked out to anyone else. There had been a utensil that went missing previously in the week, so I went to the head of Aramark to see if she wanted to stop feed or just hope that it showed up. She asked me to stop feed and that we would search for it before the next feed started. As we searched, we couldn’t find the utensil anywhere, but we started finding all kinds of food and items hidden in jackets and anywhere else in the kitchen. I ended up calling everywhere that I had checked out utensils to that day, and somehow it ended up at a different location outside of the Kitchen, even though it wasn’t checked out to them. Since that was solved, we worked towards finding out who all had the food and items that were stolen in the kitchen.  As we sorted everything out, we ended up loosing 7 people that day to theft. It was a hard day starting then because we were short people in general from there, and I still had the paperwork to do from that. Then we had another offender that ended up trying to attack me and an Aramark individual when asked to leave because he refused to work. I had to call the Yard in to get him out of there, which even added to more of my stress and more paperwork. I ended up finishing my shift the best I could, and when the other officer got there, I called the Shift Supervisor and informed that I would probably be here past my shift as I had some paperwork to finish from the missing utensil and the items found in the kitchen. I was told to get them done as fast as possible and to get out of there. I worked on them the best I could, and I ended up getting them done at 7:00pm which I am suppose to be gone at 6:00pm. I turned the reports to the evening supervisor which I ended up getting chewed out because I stayed behind and did my job to the best of my ability. He told me that I better not ask for over time; which I wasn’t worried about anyways, and that I was not to do this again. I handed him the reports, and left in anger.  I ended up coming home and was pissed off the rest of the night. I drank the night away with Bacardi 151 and just ended up making it up to the bedroom and passed out after I ended up getting sick. So, that is the end of my day, and that was one of the worst days that I have had in a long time. I will write about more later, but that is where I am at now! Hope you all have a good weekend!

Wow, so this is a world that I haven't been around lately so this is going to be weird writing on here. I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, so I don't know if I am writing to myself or if someone is even reading this. Anyways, lets put some things up here that have changed in my life.

I am working for the Department of Corrections in Indiana now, which is an interesting job in itself. I started working there in November for a job that I knew would take care of my life and my kids. It wasn't a job that i was sure I was going to like, but more one that I could handle. After I got through training, it sounded a lot more like a job that I could get into and I have. I am working behind the wall at the Correctional Facility in Pendleton now; and it is a job that I actually like waking up to go to work even though it is at 3:30 in the morning and it is 12 hr day shifts. The major awesome part though is the fact that I only work 15 days of the month, so even though I have to work long hours, I get to spend more time with my kids. It is an awesome thing about that job, because they are the apple of my eye and the one thing that can cheer me up most of the time.

I am living in Anderson right now, and waiting for my lease to end so that we can move out of this crappy apartment and into one that is really close to work and a lot nicer of an apartment. This apartment really sucked when we moved into it. It was owned by a company that we found out after we moved in that was going bankrupt so the apartments went to hell and they didn't even worry about fixing up the place. So, we got stuck into this lease which was 13 months long. It didn't seem that long and the time actually has gone by very quickly, but I am ready to move to a better apartment. I don't want two stories anymore, and am happy with just the one story set up. My kids are growing up beautifully with the occasional bumps in the road that come with learning how to raise kids. The oldest one is Tyler, and he is 2 and a half years old, and Michael is the youngest is a year and a half old, and he is totally adorable. He has started walking, and is an awesome personality. They are so much fun to watch grow up, and to play. Michael has started walking, so it is easy to get him to wear out now. He just is a garbage compactor with food, he will eat anything and more than I can eat sometimes. I dont' know where he puts it!

That is my life right now, I will write more if I am able to later.

Tags: life update
where i am: Home
How I Feel: blah
Listening To: Voodoo ~Godsmack